And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall make your path straight.

- Proverbs 3:5-6

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Another Week Closer

It is Saturday morning. I'm eating my ubiquitous organic apple with cinnamon... wait...need peanut butter (Trader Joe's Organic no sugar, crunchy, in case you were wondering) for protein...

This has been a long trying week, all told, but I feel pretty good, today. Good enough to go find a new kitchen faucet! Woohooo. and the beat goes on...

Thank you all, again and again, for your lovely cards and flowers and prayers. Since I still have hair and I haven't puked, I'm guessing you folks are pretty good at the prayer part. I am so grateful...

Leads me to a point I'd like to make: Through this ordeal, when I look at the prevailing sentiment or core idea, whatever you want to call it, I feel GRATITUDE. Funny, but it is so. I had alot of anger to begin with like a deadeningly oppressive bubble I moved around under, cussing and scowling and fuming. What I realized with the assistance from the mindbody guy at CTCA is that my anger was in no way directed at God, as would be a natural assumption, but at the paradigm or truth I felt I had been living. Did the paradigm of Live Well and do those things that only healthy people invest their time doing let me down or did I not work it right and I let it down? It really made me mad to think that years and years of working out whether I wanted to or not and eating right no matter what and classes on meditation and self actualization and being "cause" in your experience were USELESS. I was also embarrassed. Did my opinion of how to stay healthy hold any kind of credibility any more because I, obviously, wasn't healthy?

Here's what I have come to with this: I could have easily had cancer in my 40s or 30s when my kids were small. How much more devastating would that have been? It could have been in a worse place or more wide spread or I couldn't have the strength and health I have otherwise to fight and defeat it if I hadn't been taking care of myself so carefully for so long. Would I have been in a place, spiritually, where I could know God was taking care of me and weather this with peace as has been my relief to experience? All good points, thank you very much. Additionally, I realize that I would, certainly and with no doubt ever, rather it be me than anyone else in my family. I thank God for this, alone. This is enough for me to be grateful.

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