And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall make your path straight.

- Proverbs 3:5-6

Friday, May 7, 2010

I have more tattoos than anyone in my family, but who's counting?

It's a Friday in T-town. Lots going on this weekend. Most of it without me. I am gaining strength, thank you, God, but have to measure my day in itty bitty increments. Yesterday, I answered the call of the vacuum and did way too much "putting things away". Sorry, mama. Then, I went to the store to buy a shower gift and, by the time I got there and found the registry and walked to the place where the proposed gift sat, I had run out of energy. Crud. That box was ENORMOUS! So, Margot is getting a gift card which is about all I could carry by then. (Ssssshhhhh. Don't tell her. I want her to be surprised... as if a gift card is all that special. Can't muster special, though I bought her wedding gift months ago and it IS special. )

I hope people whose family members go through this getting well process have some patience and empathy. People keep telling me how "good" I look and how "well" I'm doing. I am so relieved and, yet, there's a part of me that wants to shout, "Don't expect anything, I'm kinda weak!" And is this ever a departure from how I felt in January when I didn't want anyone to even think I might have the capacity to be weak!!! I even cried in frustration thinking that someone would have to take care of me! Oh, Irony of Ironies. Right? So, it's personal growth to say, "I am weak, I need help." Just as long as I can quietly remind myself, "This too shall pass", I can do this. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me... everything from having babies at home and driving across country alone with them to having those grown babies take care of me while I'm healing at home and them driving cross country alone to help me get well.

Then, there is my Heavenly Father who is taking care of me, whose strength is perfected in my weakness. Getting to know who's in charge, who is REALLY taking care, has been an evolution of the finest personal growth, one that relieves me greatly and is the Rock on which I stand. This kind of weakness-- knowing I don't have to be in charge of the Big Picture and that no amount of perceived control or chaos or efforting or lacking effort or knowledge or the lack of it will make a difference. Yielding and praying, receiving and rejoicing are where it's at and thank you God for that.

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