Something funny I don't want to forget:

When I was first told I was going to lose my hair with the treatment and was wondering whether to buy a wig I called Claire to talk to her about it. I asked her if she'd shave her head in solidarity and would she be willing to give me her hair for the cause. No, she said. Not even her husband, Matt, would do it! My mom volunteered that she would shave her legs in sympathy... Holly's response was to ask if I was going to make a wig out of that hair!

By the way, my niece, Lyda, offered me her hair. She has great hair.

Spectacular News: Prayers Responded to with Grace

This week was loooooooong and held some new freaky discomforts but the bottom line is that we know that the tumor is shrinking. I'd like to repeat that: THE TUMOR IS SHRINKING!!! Specifically, Dr. Flynn of the handsome bearing and caring demeanor, informed us that the "tumor has shrunk, CONSIDERABLY". (This was after last week's assessment that they didn't expect to see a change until the end of the treatment protocol. They don't know me very well, do they?) God is Good and, to use a much borrowed line from my friend, Pete, "God is loose in the World"!

Monday started with me pretty down in the dumps; already tired at the prospect of a long day of tests and treatment. I prayed for a respite, anything to lift my spirits and, within mere minutes, I got a text from Susan Burkhart informing me that Peter Mayer and friends were heading to Tulsa on April 9th to do their new "Goodbye, Hello" tour at Venue 6-8.!!! Aaaaaahhhhh. Felt much improved.

Went into the hospital and was told I couldn't have chemo OR radiation because my white blood cell count was too low. Big grin, there, too. (Accompanied by tears, of course. We take our wins as we get them and I was happy to know I wasn't going to have BIG needles for three hours... at least not that day.) Did have to have two little shots to jump start my bone marrow to produce double time and, now, the cell count is plenty high.

Wednesday was yucky. Enough said. The nurse encouraged me by saying it will get easier each of the four additional times I have this specific treatment. I pray she wasn't lying. Next one is Friday, the 26th. Yish.

So, now I have a cold. Not funny. Not bad, either, but I have to stay away from folks and wear one of those dumb masks. Adds another negative element to sleep and the tired factor, but it'll pass.

People have been so loving to send cards and bring food!!! I am humbled that the love flows so freely in my direction. I've had cards from strangers and six and a half foot tall long shoremen on The Great Lakes are praying for me. Sweet babies are sending me hand drawn pictures and I am so so grateful that all I can do in response is feel peace. I am buoyed by your love and tenderness in this storm. (Peter only began to sink when he looked down or lost focus on Jesus, by the way. Thank you for being such stellar representatives of Him and giving me His Grace expressed to focus on.) I am leaning on God's promise and am certain God is taking care of me, today!

Another Week Closer

It is Saturday morning. I'm eating my ubiquitous organic apple with cinnamon... wait...need peanut butter (Trader Joe's Organic no sugar, crunchy, in case you were wondering) for protein...

This has been a long trying week, all told, but I feel pretty good, today. Good enough to go find a new kitchen faucet! Woohooo. and the beat goes on...

Thank you all, again and again, for your lovely cards and flowers and prayers. Since I still have hair and I haven't puked, I'm guessing you folks are pretty good at the prayer part. I am so grateful...

Leads me to a point I'd like to make: Through this ordeal, when I look at the prevailing sentiment or core idea, whatever you want to call it, I feel GRATITUDE. Funny, but it is so. I had alot of anger to begin with like a deadeningly oppressive bubble I moved around under, cussing and scowling and fuming. What I realized with the assistance from the mindbody guy at CTCA is that my anger was in no way directed at God, as would be a natural assumption, but at the paradigm or truth I felt I had been living. Did the paradigm of Live Well and do those things that only healthy people invest their time doing let me down or did I not work it right and I let it down? It really made me mad to think that years and years of working out whether I wanted to or not and eating right no matter what and classes on meditation and self actualization and being "cause" in your experience were USELESS. I was also embarrassed. Did my opinion of how to stay healthy hold any kind of credibility any more because I, obviously, wasn't healthy?

Here's what I have come to with this: I could have easily had cancer in my 40s or 30s when my kids were small. How much more devastating would that have been? It could have been in a worse place or more wide spread or I couldn't have the strength and health I have otherwise to fight and defeat it if I hadn't been taking care of myself so carefully for so long. Would I have been in a place, spiritually, where I could know God was taking care of me and weather this with peace as has been my relief to experience? All good points, thank you very much. Additionally, I realize that I would, certainly and with no doubt ever, rather it be me than anyone else in my family. I thank God for this, alone. This is enough for me to be grateful.

I knew something was wrong in December...

I knew something was wrong in December; I wasn't sure what. What became clear was that Howard was still working at Cancer Treatment Centers of America for a reason.

Me.

As Claire writes this (Hey y'all!) we are sitting side-by-side in a chemo suite, #15, while I receive my third treatment. Up to this point, I have received radiation 13 times and, pretty soon, this will all be a memory. (My mom's "got a little dizz going" right now... Please hold while they change her drips...)

I still have my hair, which is a blessing. My forever-hair-care stylist, Gina, insists I could lose half my hair and still have a full head of it. Claire is VERY optimistic that I will keep all of it considering I have industrial strength hair. My wonderful oncologist, Dr. Ketterl, does not share her optimism...

I have no energy, physically, but spiritually I am being bolstered by many fierce prayer warriors, and tender hearts who show me their love by feeding me and gifting me tokens of encouragement. (On behalf of everyone mom, you're welcome.) Claire is helping me do this blog so that you can check up on me without worrying that you are intruding. I'll do my best to update this weekly, at the very least. Claire may even do some updates, herself (because I force her to talk to me because I am her daughter!)

To end this post, I want to introduce you to my mantra for this phase in my life:

Release, because God alone is in charge of this process.
Rest in God, because the Bible tells me so.
Receive from God and from other people. (This is her hardest "R", she isn't used to being waited on.)
Rejoice. This is my sister, Wendy's, contribution. It's an excellent addition. I do rejoice and I'm certainly grateful.

As a greeting, people are trained to say, "How are you?" and I'm keenly aware that they probably don't want to open that can of worms with me so, for right now, I have trained myself to respond with sincerity and certainty, God is taking care of me, today!